Last night, my body was going through some kind of emotional food related detox I think. Every attempt I made at making a smoothie, be it green or just fruit, sweet or savory, tasted nasty to me. I could not for the life of me bring myself to eat any of it. I was having cravings like nobodies business for all sorts of cooked food though. I was practically swimming in imaginary spring rolls. I could taste them, see them, smell them. And that was only the beginning of the fun. At the time I didn't recognize it as detox or cravings—I was so consumed by my lust for these very different SAD foods that I couldn't think about anything else.
I am happy to say that my only concession to the cravings was that I steamed some kale with braggs and sesame seeds. Some things that helped me to not cave in were the fact that 1) I recently ate some bread and was feeling the after affect of it for days. 2) I'd had a very nutritionally rich day. According to fitday.com I had gotten everything that I needed nutritionally. I knew that it was very unlikely that the craving was for something that I was missing in my diet. 3) I wasn't actually hungry. The desires were totally emotional.
This morning I woke up and felt good. I decided to continue the fasting, and start off the day with a water fast. I'm just not physically hungry. My gut is still detoxing and I don't want more in me to push out at the moment. Emotionally I am mostly feeling ok, but I think I am perhaps starting to heal some of my issues with food. I keep having these thoughts of, "Oh, but does this mean I'm never going to have a thai spring roll again? What about BBQ ribs?" the thought that very closely follows is "I should go have some right now." Well, I've been listening to that little voice too much this month (I don't want to think about how many spring rolls I have eaten over the past month) and the truth of the matter is that my anxieties are way getting the better of me. It's my fear of missing out, of losing something taking control. The world is full of spring rolls—if I really want to have one, I will. I will have my whole life to indulge whatever food desires I may have someday. At the end of the day, there are very few "once in a lifetime" foods. For now though, I'm doing something else. I'm eating what I need, and not just what I'm worried I may not have later.
The more that I think about it, the more that I am realizing that this anxiety is perhaps representative of a far greater anxiety that has been dominating my life. I have a very real fear of what I am missing out on, messing up, or could be doing otherwise. As a little kid I had a very difficult time sleeping if anything was going on around me, because I was terrified of what I might be missing out on. It's very difficult for me to commit to any particular course of action and stick with it because I get so worried about the doors that I am closing in the process.
I want to refocus my life. I want to start seeing the abundance of opportunity in the world rather than the scarcities. I want to think about how great it is that I am doing the things that I am doing, and when I think of something else that I also want to do but that doesn't fit in with my current projects be able to trust that it will be there waiting for me when I get around to it. Or, that if it isn't, that's ok, because there will be something else that is equally worthwhile for me to be doing.
On a side note, I'm realizing again that it is very likely that in order for me to be truly and fully satisfied in the world, I am going to need to find a way to really write frequently and abundantly. I want to travel and explore and write. I need to remember that my original reason for pursuing law school was as a means to this: I know that I will find law satisfying and enjoyable. I know that if it is the case that I cannot support myself just by writing that law will be a satisfying career that will provide me the money to support myself and my family while I indulge my dream to write. That also means that I cannot allow law to get in the way of writing. Unless, of course I am so incredibly happy lawyering that I don't miss the writing. That is a goal I want to keep in the forefront.
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